Freedom

Hi friends and family:)

Wow, I have so much to share that I don’t even know where to start. Sometimes it’s hard to put in words all the Lord is teaching and all my squad is doing/going through. I do want to share a piece of my heart, though-something that changed everything for me.

During my time in Malaysia and much beyond that, I was stuck in bondage. I lived my life in fear and condemnation, struggling under generational pain. For years I’ve dealt with this, but on the race, specifically, much was brought up.

In Swaziland, condemnation and sickness were on the forefront, and here in Malaysia, mind games and pain have been unlike any other time. For weeks I barely ate and I spent many hours in tears. Feeling lost and confused and utterly stuck, I finally broke. I ran to the Father saying “I can’t do this anymore.” I was broken and didn’t know how to be rebuilt. I stood at the foot of a mountain that scaled higher than I could climb.

One of my leaders, not knowing what was going on, asked how I was doing. I told him that I didn’t know how to get up a mountain that felt so big. He said “it’s okay.” Many other words of wisdom uttered out of his mouth, but that simple statement is the one that stuck with me. I decided in that moment that I could just rest, knowing that I didn’t have to be ok, and realizing that in my Abba’s time He would deliver me.

The next night, I got to be a part of deliverance for one of my sisters. Being a shoulder to rest on, I sat in the middle of the street, at 11:30pm. As tears streamed down her face, they rolled down mine. As she shared her heart, mine broke. As I listened, I felt but a glimpse of what she went through. Being brought into freedom, I hugged her tightly and praised the Lord for what He had done. Still, my heart was waiting for the moment when I would be freed. Braden (the leader who told me “it’s okay”) hugged me and said “thanks for being your sister’s keeping.” At that I was filled with gratitude and I realized I wouldn’t want to do anything else. That’s my job and my heart is attached to it.

The next day was New Year’s Eve and the Lord told me that He wanted to set me free in that day. He wanted to deliver me and I knew how. He asked me to sit and share with my leaders, Skylar and Braden, what was really going on and walk into freedom with them. This felt daunting, and as the time rolled closer I was quite literally trembling in my bed.

My word for 2026 is freedom, and the Father shared how He wanted to set me free on that day so I could learn how to walk in freedom during this year.

The three of us walked to the park and plopped down on the grass. I spoke up about what my mind had been going through and the fear behind eating. I shared the pain I was physically dealing with and how I needed help to break the chains.

They explained graciously and led me through how to forgive, cut the tie, remove the yoke and move forward.

Now, I get to live in freedom. Now I get to know what it is to claim freedom. Now I get to look in the mirror, everyday, and say “I am free.”

Anorexia has nothing on the healer of our souls. Fear and shame and condemnation and pain stand no ground against the One in control of it all. NO mountain is too big for the creator.

I lied down on the grass after tasting my new freedom and gazed up at the tree above. I realized that when you look up, you can’t see the mountain ahead of you. What I thought I could never climb, the mountain I thought I would stand at the bottom for the rest of my days turned out to be a puny little hill that the Lord wanted to flick off my shoulder.

Those lies I lived in for so long, He now replaces with Biblical truth. The broken, false identity I claimed as my own has been brought into the light and cast down. My identity is this : I AM HIS.

He looks down on what is dirty and broken and false and is moved with compassion. He came down to show me who He is and therefore who I am.

I am free and I never have to go back. Thank you to the King of Kings – Lord of Lords – Prince of Peace – Everlasting Father – My Jesus.

Through this experience of walking each day feeling broken, defeated and trapped, I got to see the heart of the Father and the heart of my brothers and sisters. One consistently took my hurt directly to the father. Each day I felt as though he felt my pain and I don’t know if I could be more grateful. One sat with me almost every night, as I cried against the wall at dinner or in the alley by my house. One noticed me and spoke life into me, giving me the wisdom yet the space to sit and be. One opened her eyes to my pain and moved in with a hug, everyday, multiple times a day. Even now, being free, our daily dose of hugs is at least 5 servings. THANK YOU to my new family, who saw and was moved with compassion. You look like Jesus, did you know that?

John 8:36 “So if the Son sets you free you are truly free.”